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♥ Monday, May 16, 2005♥

I have been so mad and upset with my mom since I can hardly get anything out of her. I never wanted to spend time with her all weekend. She makes me do things that I dont want to do, she talks down to me, and can sometimes never get thr hint. The truth is, she does all this stuff to bug me because she wants to protect me and wants the best of me. However what confuses me is that she told me once before all that matters is that she wants me to get into college. There is a saying that says something along the lines of "it doesnt matter if the shoes match, all that matters is that you got some shoes." Ever wonder how that makes me feel? Kinda low, like it dont matter if it is old or new, it just has to be. I have also been getting annyoed how she goes on thesse speeches on how like if I dont fix myself, she is gonna hurt me. It makes me feel bad as well how she talks about my friends. The whole thing goes with my family, because they may say that Kenneth is wierd, or Satssia is odd and she is not reliable. As much as I want to stand up fothem I stand there helpless to the fact that I cannot defend them. Then I am assuming mom is having this fear o meeting new people, and making friends. I know that she says that she doesnt care what other people say about her but in a way she does really do care. I mean like, in Kenneth's family's case, she is not fancing his mom because she thinks she is nosy. She doesn't want people to know that she is a training nurse on the side because she thinks people will think less of her. Ok so what, she is a single mom. It is not like she is going to go to Satan and get sexually active.

I have also been thinking about running away sometimes, or maybe going away for a day and come back late at night and never answer my phone. But then sometimes I wish I could really tell her what is on my mind and stand up for myself, without having the fear of being slapped in the face. I want to tell her so much but she could never satnd for me to say it. So I just have to take it, Why does my family think that I am immature, I dont think that I am. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry and lock myself up in my room and be embraced by arms that give me strength, and the will to stand up. But alas I am weak and I never want to cry because I never want to be a weakling. This is my heart puring out to you mom. PLease see me as a person. Somethime I think that you are stting me up. I do so well and I am proving to you that I can do things but when I mess up, you lecture me on how I need to do it, and you kill me inside. But is that your way of trying to make me better and stronger? By constantly killing me, my heart? Maybe it is working, maybe it isn't, I don't know anymore. I want to be the perfect child for you, in your eyes, but I can never see that happening, not ever. I want to tell you so much, and ask you so much but sometimes that you leave my questions to be unanswered.

Why do you appear to be talking down to me?
Why do you talk so low about my friends? Lucy didn't leave me because she didn't want to take me home. She was sick. But you could never understand that.
Why do you talk low sometimes about my siblings? It makes me sad/mad that you would say things like that
Are you setting me up to prosper or to fail?
WHy? why? why? It doesn't make sense to me. I want to just be like a child and run to you and tell you everything, but deep down inside, I know that I can't because you want me to grow up and ten again you dont want me to. You canfuse me. Can you be direct sometimes, because it is tearing me apart. What do you see me as, as a child or as a soon to be young woman? Can I ever make you proud in my everyday activities, can I make you proud in general? Because it seems that I am not. What am i doing wrong? How can I better myself for you? Can you ever tell me what is wrong? Can I ever come to you for everything? Why, mom why? If I could write about it, a song or a poem, I would express it like that.


my donut-addict STOPS!