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♥ Thursday, March 24, 2005♥

Man, I don't know what is wrong with me. I was chatting with Kenneth and it was hard for me to admit that he was my boyfriend. I made up some dumb BS answer saying that " I am afriad of my mom" Truthfully I am not afraid of my mother, just a bit, but I am afriad of myself. I am scared that he would get bored of me nad just run off to another girl better looking to his taste than me. I know he said he wouldn't leave me buecause he cares so much, but is there ever a time where you stop caring? I was rambiling on the phone, ready to cry. He said it is ok for me to cry and I know I say it is healthy, but when I cry it is like I am showing weakness. Man, it gets on my nerves. I never want people to think I am weak. When I cry, everything...just swells up and comes all out at once. What makes me really sad, is that the last time I cried Lonna comfortmed me, and then she had to leave. Afterwards in Drama, the tears came back up again, and I cried the whole period locked in the girls bathroom. No one came for me. Mrs. Tobaison talked to me, but then I went to guidance and took a nap. I would like to have Kenneth as my man. He is strong, confident, tall, dark, caring, smart, mature, funny, cute, and a whole bunch of other things. Why can't I bring myself to saying that I want him by myself, my side. Wat if one day he says "You bore me, I want nothing to do with you." What could I do, one side would want me to hurt him, and the other side would want me to bereak down and cry. Sob in the dark in a pillow.
Why does crying annoy me? Is it because it makes me feel ulgy, knowing that my face is skrewed up? Or is that no one comforts me anymore because I am so big? He is all the way in AA county, me in howard. I am so confused, I dont know what to do. OMG then Christian came back to work, getting on my nerves. I ddint want him around me. Once upon a time I had a feeling that he would rape me, in the elemenatry school too...but not any more, because I know that I will be watched over. It had scared me that he was working there. I wanted to stab him, for dumping me like trash, like I bored him. I think I was too much woman for him. Why I am thinking about him? I don't need him, never anymore. Plus I called him a punk. I want Kenneth right now, with me. Man I am greedy. Hold me please, I want to cry, I want you to protect me, I want to protect you, I want to feel you, hug you, touch your face. That is the best part of you. Your smile, I want it to be for me, and you. What can do, I need to clear my head,


my donut-addict STOPS!